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I have learned in life that tremendous blessings (at least for our family) often come from being tried and stretched. That used to scare me, which doesn’t anymore because I am able to live with a more eternal perspective. I know the Lord is over all, will never give you more than you can bare and will always bless you if you stay close to him. That brings great comfort and peace. Although the magnitude of the trial often appears harder with age, our increased testimonies and ability to cope make the trial easier to endure. It is comforting to realize that with the Lord, we help you accomplish whatever we are asked to endure.
Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, great things came from this experience. I am now more likely to follow my intuition and be an advocate for my child. I always felt it was more than colic, but didn’t insist on finding the problem. All I and doctors seemed to focus on was the function of
Giving the majority of our time and attention to
Danny has been blessed with stability and happiness in work. He has gained speed, skill, confidence and enjoyment in his profession. This is so rewarding and comforting for me to see. He also returned to teach at dental school. I used to try to control our stability and his working life. If he wasn’t happy in a working situation I would encourage him to send out resumes instead of him taking control of his decisions. How horrible is this!! I am proud to announce I have improved in this regard. Danny loves what he does, I don’t worry about it anymore and I realize that is what is most important.
I was talking to a friend whose husband is starting his own business. This is stressful on all because in the beginning of most start-ups income decreases while expenses and risk increase. Her husband is a man who likes to do everything himself and I asked her if this panicked her. Although she has some concern she said something that stuck with me and made me reflect on Danny and our marriage. She said that she knows her husband will provide for her family if this company does or doesn’t succeed. I too am confident that Danny would always do his best to provide for us. Something I will never fully understand is the innate weight Danny feels to provide for his family. We are a very traditional family and feel we were just programmed differently. I have more of a desire to be home with the kids and he has a desire to go and work, which works great for our family.
When we were waiting for his DDS license to come through, he worked as a janitor making $10/hour. Some thought that was silly but it was a great blessing for our family in so many ways. First, it gave him something to do and feel good. Second, it showed me that he would do whatever it took to contribute to our little family. Third, it provided us with some extra money. I was working so it wasn’t crucial to survive, but every lit bit helps and adds up. I have friends who are struggling to make ends meet but feel that most jobs won't make ends meet or are below them. I think that a little money year to year is better than none. With that said, it is important to realize every family situation is different, outside factors like loosing a job or illness can occur and it is important to have a plan,
Once I realized that his work wasn’t my problem and had peace and comfort that he would always do his best in his profession and taking care of us, both of our stress levels decreased. Looking back I feel so bad for not showing him the confidence and assurance I had in his abilities and talents. His stress was probably greater than mine due to my attitude. How liberating to have an added confidence and assurance from within that I now have in Danny. It was something that I needed to figure out which really had nothing to do with him.
I continued to work as a coach for the Aquabears which I love. It is the perfect profession for me and provides so many great opportunities to our family. I love the friends that I have on the team, the influence of the kids in my life and the joy I gain from coaching. Over the summer I was really busy with too many lessons. I came to realize that the reason I coach is for the enjoyment and the importance of having balance in my life. Unless I need to, I am not going to have such a hectic summer again. I feel I have gained a lot of confidence and skill as a coach this year. I have been blessed with great mentors and find fulfillment through teaching. Sometimes it is hard to get to work and I question if I would rather be at home and realize that right now this is a great blessing to me and my family. Would I do it if I were a billionaire? Probably because right now it is right. Will I do it next year? I don’t know. We might be moving, the kids are getting a little older, I am not home with my husband at night, get to eat dinner together as a family, or winding down as a family. I love it for now, but don’t know if it will be right next year. I really want to write a book. I would love to be an LDS author. I want to help people through writing. I don’t think it would be an easier or more difficult, give me more time with my family, but feel a stronger and stronger tug that perhaps I am supposed to do that. You never know what the future holds, but I know this is right at this second working is right for me.
The end of the year was summed up with our third pregnancy, tests, neurological complications, a tsunami of emotions and the stillbirth of Carl, our baby of hope, on Christmas morning. This was a very unexpected and difficult event in our lives, which has filled us with a greater understanding of the atonement of our Savior, tender mercies of the Lord and stronger testimonies of the plan of salvation. We both became better at communicating our feelings and emotions during this time which will be a blessing for the rest of our lives.
I am much more willing and able to write down and share my life, emotions and feelings. This used to be very hard for me. Some of it probably had to do with being more private, thinking it was inappropriate to share, offensive or inappropriate because my feelings are probably very different than their own and pride that I had a certain assumed life. For me it is has been so therapeutic for me to write down everything and post it on my blog. I really don’t care if anyone reads it. It does feel good to hear that something you said had a positive impact or something someone else said were the exact words or answers that you were looking for. That is a very cool thing about blogging. But more than that, it is a way of me putting my feelings and emotions out their to the world, to my friends and to my family. In some weird but very real way it is like a validation to me that it is ok for me to feel this way because I am me and my life is real. It is a validation that everyone’s life is unique and different.
I remember a long time ago I really offended someone by telling them that they should try something that brought me a lot of joy. I quickly learned that the word should isn’t used in their family and they were really offended. I felt so bad for so long. I feel I have done a lot of growing up since than. I now realize that some people might not like me and that is ok. It is my job to try to be loving, caring and adjust my words or personality to make them feel more comfortable and happy but regardless because of who I am they just might not like me. I respect that and am ok with that. If I write something that I am going through that someone else feels is wrong or ridiculous that is ok because it is me and my life. I have also come to realize that is what makes life so great. I love that we are all so different, unique, have our own experiences and can grow in empathy and love one towards another by trying to understand each other. Part of me being able to be more open with sharing my emotions is being more confident in myself and who I am. With an assurance that I am far from perfect, a human with many things I still need to work on which will be much more evident to people but an assurance that I am trying my best and know that I am loved by a very real and loving Heavenly Father.
From reading, talking to others and seeing my husband go through all he did with Tyler and Carl; I have come to realize that men are very different than woman. They deal with family crisis different, have different concerns and are much less likely to share their feelings. Danny feels the financial weight much more than I do. Having sick kids or preparing for a funeral can be very expensive. He feels that weight. He had a crazy emotional wife who he couldn’t help. He said that was one of the hardest things for him to not make me ok. While I was mourning and healing, he was trying to take care of me, the kids and home. People were often asking me how I was doing and forgetting about him. Woman are expected and more easily programmed to share their feelings where men aren’t. Danny broke that mold. In my opinion that was one of the greatest blessings Carl has given to our family.
During
I can’t describe the growth I saw in him in such a short period of time, can’t express the significance it has had on our family, but am filled with joy because of it. At the funeral he was able to express that the emotions he was feeling were very real and very hard. It was good healing for me to see that he was going through the same loss and grief I was going through. Maybe we felt different things, to different degrees, at different times, but one thing we both comprehend is what it is like to burry a stillborn child who belonged to our family. In life your spouse is the only one who can really comprehend so much of what you have been through and it is so wonderful to have him by your side and see that he goes through much of the same emotions in one way or another that you do. In so many ways he became a transient character, which will be such a blessing to himself and his family. I know our marriage and our kid’s ability to communicate will be stronger because our ability to communicate with each other, our children and others is increasing.
I am a much different person today than I was a year ago and that brings me peace and happiness. I am grateful for a lifetime of growth and experiences to grow closer to our Lord. Danny and I have been blessed with countless blessings. Sometimes I wonder how and why it is possible to be so blessed. I look forward to 2009 and all that another year will bring into our lives, marriage and family.
36 comments:
Heidi, I am so sad to read about Carl. I am so blessed by your courage. I cannot believe the love you have for others that you can offer me peace, when you have seen worse. You are trully a Christ-like person, and I hope to be like you:) Please continue to blog the personal moments, because you are blessing and strengthening others by sharing your positive attitude and pure testimony of Christ. Thank you for being a part of my blogging world - I will never be the same:) Love to you.
Thank you for commenting on my blog. It lead me to yours. Wow, this was powerful! Thank you for sharing and being so open. I can never imagine going through what you have! You are so strong. It was good to chat with you on Sunday and good to read this and get to know you better.
Hi Heidi! Wow, what a year! Thanks for sharing your feelings and giving the rest of us ideas for how we can be better. I think you have something to offer to the lds community, so hopefully your writing idea will take off when the time is right. Love to you and your family!
Heidi, this was a very good post. I need to do one of these! Writing down everything you have learned will just solidify it in your mind and is so therapeutic. I've said it before but you are a strong, smart person and a good example. Thanks for sharing.
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