The past couple of days

First and foremost Danny and I are so appreciative for our great family and friends who have emailed, called and showed in numerous ways that they care. There are so many people who have no support system during hard times and we feel so blessed to have more people thinking about us and willing to help than one could ever dream of. So thank you so much!!

Friday and Saturday were pretty hard for the entire family. I felt like I was unable to function in many ways while I was just trying to stay afloat myself. Scott knew something was going on and of course agitated by it. While these feelings are inevitable, it helped me realize I have so much to be thankful for and two boys and an amazing husband who I am blessed to enjoy each day and who need me. So many would do anything for children and a great husband and the countless blessings and wonderful life we have. This has made me realize the many things I do have.

We tried to relax and occupy ourselves but it is impossible at times to not be saddened and depressed and hurting over mourning for the loss of the expected. The loss of a child you were looking forward to raise. You think about what the future holds with uncertainty and fear; 20 more weeks of pregnancy, the birth of a child who you know won't make it, implications of genetic ties, a second child who faces his own health challenges, other children dealing with something they don't fully understand and so much more.

I thought of a friend who is a psychologist for ill patients and their families. Months ago we were talked at the pool and I asked her what helps families the most as they are faced with a poor prognosis. She said no matter how long someone is given, it is important they get to a point that they are able to continue living each day instead of living to die. How true. How marvelous to enjoy each day as a blessing.

In church we talked about spiritual gifts. I am grateful that the Lord has blessed me with the gift of faith and testimony and so much more during this time. My heart aches for those who don't have that. I wouldn't be able to endure these things without that knowledge.

Amidst heartache I do feel extreme peace. I know it is due to blessings from heaven and prayers on our behalf so thank you!! I enjoyed a great day with my kids today. I appreciated the blessing of being a mother to them more today than ever which is a marvelous feeling. Scott wanted Tyler to eat with him this morning, he wanted to hold him, he pulled out an old baby mat and had Tyler lay on it while he played doctor and gave him hugs and kisses, he wanted to take a bath with his brother and wash his hair. They laughed so much, they made me laugh, they are so full of joy and it truly fills my heart and spirit. I have been blessed with two amazing little boys and I know the third will be just as amazing. How comforting to know that he doesn't need to come to earth for long to endure all that we endure. He is perfect.

On my mission I think I got to the point that I wasn't living for myself anymore but for others and it filled me. This experience has helped me gain a new perspective of the time I have with my children which I can't express in words. I feel peace today. That is a greater Christmas present than anything.