The Future

We await the autopsy results. Obviously, we assume that the cause of death was related to the malformation or absence of the brain. Who knows if they will come up with a certain syndrome or diagnosis. Chromosome tests have the chance of growing or not growing. Conclusions should be made within the next 1-2 weeks. At that point we will sit down with our genetic counsilor and possible genetist and go over the implications of Tyler with HLHS and this child with a neurological disorder. The possibility of them being linked or it just being one of those crazy flukes in life of having two children with unrelated and very severe diseases. My gut feeling is that they won't be able to link these two things together, even though I could be very wrong. Maybe that is just my hope.

The thing about medicine is that you just never know. Answers are hard to find. Research continues to search for cause and probability. But with all said and done a God is over all, has a plan and perhaps we were just to learn and grow from these experiences. This I do know. That we were to have a healthy child, one with HLHS and one who didn't need to stay in this life but who did need a body for the resurrection. I don't know if answers will be found. I guess time will tell.

Answers help research and the whys in medicine. They help us with family planning. I want to try for another baby sometime, but we will have to see. If the probability of having a child with another severe medical problem is likely to happen, that just might be fair to my other two kids. I want a large family and maybe adoption is the way that we will be blessed with that. I do know that prayer will and has always been a part of every major decision that our family has made and will continue to make. I am comforted by that. I don't know what people would do without that. So time will tell, healing will occur and sometime in the future we will know what we want to do about our family.

Although I realize that healing, mourning and grief is a process, I do feel extreme peace and love from my Savior. My body feels more normal. I feel so many blessings and tender mercies of the Lord. One of the greatest blessings is that I was able to experience so much to gain empathy and understanding and grow, however, nothing was dragged out. I experienced very real post-partum depression when my milk came in which lasted a little over a day. That is a miracle. I understand that it is important for me to be very aware of my feelings in the months to come because who is to say that those feelings willn't return. I don't think and pray that they won't but it is always important to be aware of your mental health.

This experience has been hard. I tried to be as candid as possible. It has been a time in our life filled with spiritual growth and love. It has been one of marital growth. I wouldn't change it. I feel blessed the Lord has blessed us with a third son and all that that entailed in his short journey with us. I know he will be a ministering angel to our family. I feel blessed for the amazing family, children and a spouse who is my rock that I have. This is my journey so far. I hope and pray that this peace remains with me. I look forward to the burial on Friday. We want it to be a very simple ceremony and I know that we will have memories and remember the spirit that is there for our lifetime.