After months of me holding out that he would change his mind and it never happening, he finally got his dream of going in and getting a vasectomy. I gave him the OK, but it was really, really hard for him. I felt horrible! It was a rough couple of months or mourning on my part. I told him I wasn't angry at him, just needed time to mourn. I have never prayed so hard and finally just placed it in the Lord's hands. I came to the conclusion that sometimes that is life and marriage. A marriage take compromise and maybe this was something that I needed to learn and become ok with. I prayed that the Lord would change and heal my heart for this unborn baby who I undeniably felt belonged in our family. After a couple of months I wasn't all the way better, but definitely healing. Danny felt bad because he could see how much it affected me and I told him it would just take time. It was like mourning a loss.
Each month I would hope to be pregnant, knowing that it was getting to the point of being a miracle. I also knew that if I got pregnant it would be in the middle of swim season that would create a whole new issue to resolve. Looking back, so insignificant but nonetheless, a commitment that was important to me and I loved.
After about 4 months, Danny thought I was pregnant. Turns out I was. It was a total miracle and Danny recognized it as the Lords hand. An answer to my prayers. The 1/2000 chance that the surgery didn't work and that we were pregnant.
I went into the doctor and found out I was due on my parents anniversary and knew that this little baby really was a gift from them and God. There is no denying that this baby was meant to come to our family. While I have been ready to be done with the baby stage, this little baby healed my yearning heart. Completed those undeniable yearnings of my heart.
I really felt like we were having a girl. We decided not to find out and I would have been totally fine with a girl or boy but would have been shocked if it was a boy. Kira and Danny really wanted a girl. The boys claimed they wanted a boy but I think they just wanted a boy to argue with Kira and to claim boy power.
Danny claimed the entire time that after this baby I wouldn't feel done and want more kids but I reassured him throughout the entire pregnancy I totally felt done. 100% complete. We had Hanna Ruth and I feel 100% complete. I feel so full of gratitude for a gracious God who answered my prayers and healed my heart. Sometimes I don't think it is fair. I have friends and family who can't have kids and here I am receiving this absolute gift after a decision we both made to be done. But God has a plan for all of us and He is merciful and all loving and I am just so grateful for Hanna.
When I am tired or up in the middle of the night with her or she is crying, I am more patient because of the journey I felt to get her here. I remember those yearning feelings I had for her and the mourning and pain my heart felt when I thought I wouldn't have her.
Danny chose the name after my mom and Grandma. I looked it up the other day and it comes from the Hebrew given name channa. "It is derived from the root ḥ-n-n, meaning 'favour' or 'grace'; A Dictionary of First Names attributes the name to a word meaning 'He (God) has favoured me [with a child]'."
As I read that, there was no denying that God did favor us with a child. He truly is a God of miracles and she will be my forever witness of that.
Danny got tested and sure enough he has 0 sperm. His surgery was indeed a success. She is a miracle! And the best part is, to Danny's unbelief, I feel totally complete. I feel like she completed our family and 100% at peace. What an amazing feeling. How grateful I am for her and for God's grace and mercy and love. He is an Amazing God!