Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The meaning of Hanna

Hanna really is our miracle baby.  Danny was done having kids a while ago.  I wanted Parker and he obliged but after that he wanted to be done.  I really wanted one more but left it up to him.  I told him he better just really feel 100% that our family was complete because I didn't feel that.  I really felt like there was one more child that was meant to be in our family but Danny insisted he didn't feel that and that I would always innately feel that.

After months of me holding out that he would change his mind and it never happening, he finally got his dream of going in and getting a vasectomy.  I gave him the OK, but it was really, really hard for him.  I felt horrible!  It was a rough couple of months or mourning on my part.  I told him I wasn't angry at him, just needed time to mourn.  I have never prayed so hard and finally just placed it in the Lord's hands.  I came to the conclusion that sometimes that is life and marriage. A marriage take compromise and maybe this was something that I needed to learn and become ok with.  I prayed that the Lord would change and heal my heart for this unborn baby who I undeniably felt belonged in our family.  After a couple of months I wasn't all the way better, but definitely healing.  Danny felt bad because he could see how much it affected me and I told him it would just take time.  It was like mourning a loss.

Each month I would hope to be pregnant, knowing that it was getting to the point of being a miracle.  I also knew that if I got pregnant it would be in the middle of swim season that would create a whole new issue to resolve.  Looking back, so insignificant but nonetheless, a commitment that was important to me and I loved.

After about 4 months, Danny thought I was pregnant.  Turns out I was.  It was a total miracle and Danny recognized it as the Lords hand.  An answer to my prayers.  The 1/2000 chance that the surgery didn't work and that we were pregnant.  

I went into the doctor and found out I was due on my parents anniversary and knew that this little baby really was a gift from them and God.  There is no denying that this baby was meant to come to our family.  While I have been ready to be done with the baby stage, this little baby healed my yearning heart.  Completed those undeniable yearnings of my heart.

I really felt like we were having a girl.  We decided not to find out and I would have been totally fine with a girl or boy but would have been shocked if it was a boy.  Kira and Danny really wanted a girl.  The boys claimed they wanted a boy but I think they just wanted a boy to argue with Kira and to claim boy power. 

Danny claimed the entire time that after this baby I wouldn't feel done and want more kids but I reassured him throughout the entire pregnancy I totally felt done.  100% complete.  We had Hanna Ruth and I feel 100% complete.  I feel so full of gratitude for a gracious God who answered my prayers and healed my heart.  Sometimes I don't think it is fair.  I have friends and family who can't have kids and here I am receiving this absolute gift after a decision we both made to be done.  But God has a plan for all of us and He is merciful and all loving and I am just so grateful for Hanna.

When I am tired or up in the middle of the night with her or she is crying, I am more patient because of the journey I felt to get her here.  I remember those yearning feelings I had for her and the mourning and pain my heart felt when I thought I wouldn't have her.

Danny chose the name after my mom and Grandma.  I looked it up the other day and it comes from the Hebrew given name channa.  "It is derived from the root ḥ-n-n, meaning 'favour' or 'grace'; A Dictionary of First Names attributes the name to a word meaning 'He (God) has favoured me [with a child]'."

As I read that, there was no denying that God did favor us with a child.  He truly is a God of miracles and she will be my forever witness of that. 

Danny got tested and sure enough he has 0 sperm.  His surgery was indeed a success.  She is a miracle!  And the best part is, to Danny's unbelief, I feel totally complete.  I feel like she completed our family and 100% at peace.  What an amazing feeling.  How grateful I am for her and for God's grace and mercy and love.  He is an Amazing God! 


Chelle said...

What an amazing story! She really is Americal baby! I also love the meaning of the Hebrew Hanna. How perfect!

Chelle said...

Miracle baby

Julia M. said...

That's amazing. I'm so happy for you all.