My Mom's Cancer

Many people often ask how my mom is doing.  Some people wonder but don't want to ask.  They see posts on facebook which show the slow and drastic decline in her health. Writing helps me but I have been busy with writing a bible study and hesitant to write for various reasons.

One, I just haven't had or made time.  Some of the reason is to be sensitive to others who might be going through something totally different. Lastly, it is hard to process your emotions let alone put them into words.

Cancer is such a hard thing to see someone go through with chemo, radiation, an uncertain prognosis, loosing your health and faculties along the way.  My mom always remained so hopeful and optimistic, which was a huge example to me, but I know it was hard and scary for her.  It was so hard to see her lose her ability to be the mom, friend or grandmother that she always envisioned herself being and wanted to be.

Everyone that knows my mom, knows that she is a bundle of energy.  She has enough energy to power 10 people.  She also has a giving heart.  She lives to help and serve others.  When her body could no longer do what her mind wanted was so hard and sad to see her go through.  She never complained, but I could sense how hard that was for her. Facebook was such a huge blessing to her during this time because she could still interact with people from a chair.  Being with friends and family has meant so much to her and kept her going.

I have been so grateful for my dad and sister.  My dad is amazing.  He has been by my mom's side through all.  He helps her and meets her every need.  He is sensitive to our kids and family needs.  My sister is a saint.  I am so grateful that she understands, listens and I have her by my side.

When a family is dealing with a chronic or critical illness, in many ways your entire world shifts and changes to spend time with that person, help them and cherish the time you have together.  That has been such a blessing.  You wouldn't change it and it reminds you what life is all about.  I will be forever grateful for this time that I have had with my mom and family.  I have been blessed with such a great family who has been my support and strength.  I have learned that it is ok to say no to things that once priorities.

I am the first to admit that this is challenging and you just strive to figure out a new routine as you go.  In many ways the rest of your life gets put on hold.  You don't have the time and energy you once had for friends, even your own family unit or other activities. Life becomes an intricate balancing act. Naps and routines go out the window and emotions are heightened.  Everyone feels these stresses and as you strive to help a dying parent you strive to keep yourself and your little family unit in tact as much as possible.

Through it all, you recognize other blessings that come, time together and lessons learned.  You learn to hold onto faith and the importance of family, love, sacrifice and helping those in need.

The beginning of hospice was filled with a lot of emotions, spirituality and saying good-bye.  We were told that my mom had 2-3 weeks and so prepared for that.  The weeks turned into months and you realize that you just can't plan or know what to expect.  We have been forever grateful for this time. Through most of it, my mom was very coherent and able to enjoy her visits with friends and phone conversations with loved ones.  She was showered with love from near and far that meant so much to her.

A couple of weeks ago, her ability to communicate and interact has really declined.  She started to remove herself from this world.  Perhaps it was too hard, perhaps she is just tired and of course the cancer and drugs affect her.  When she wants, she will interact and I cherish those times.  They are such sweet tender experiences, but also hard.  Saying good-bye to someone is hard.  There is no way around that nor should there be.  Seeing them suffer is hard.

My mom sleeps most of the day. When we move her to change her or rearrange her bed, she is in a lot of pain.  That is sad to see her in because that is the time she is most awake and alert.  You have to remember that when she is sleeping she is most at peace. When she connects with me or anyone you can see and feel an immense love as well as feel a sadness and fear to say good-bye.  I can't describe it in words, but it is so sweet and yet so hard.

I am so grateful at this time for my knowledge of the Savior and His wonderful plan for us.  I know that there is a much better world awaiting her.  A world filled with loved ones and friends who miss her and yearn to see her.  A world where her spirit will be freed from a body that no longer works well.  A world where she will one day be blessed with a perfect body.

I don't know what I would do or how I could cope without this hope and my heart hurts for those that don't have this.

Saying good-bye to someone with cancer is a process.  In many ways, the kids have already lost the grandmother that they know and love.  Kira used to love giving my mom hugs and kisses and now she doesn't.  I don't know what or how they process things. The mom who is lying in her bed, is still my mom who I love with all my heart, but in many ways, I have lost bits and pieces of her along the way.  That is hard, but it is all part of a bigger plan.  A plan that reminds you that it is not all about this life.

Someone recently told me that he spent the last months of his wife's illness mourning the loss of his wife.  When she passed he was somewhat relieved that she no longer had to suffer and that came with a certain guilt.  I have thought a lot about that.  I can't imagine what it is like loosing a spouse or even not having my mom physically here, but a slow death has you mourn certain losses along the way.  As you see someone decline and get to a point that there is not much more quality of life left, you begin to slowly let go of hopes and dreams for this life and look forward to new hopes and dreams in a better world, free from the pains and suffering of this world and a reunion to be with the mom once you had. Free from the pains of cancer.

I look forward to Christmas with my family and time with my family.  I look forward to building lasting memories. Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts.  We feel them and are so grateful for your kind notes, flowers, phone calls and notes.  You realize that it is truly the small and simple gestures that mean so much at this time.