Anxiety
This journal has evolved from a Tyler's heart blog, to a family blog to pretty much a journal. Unless you want to read about anxiety I would skip this one...This is how I process.
As I recognize the differences of the two I know it will help me be a better spouse and parent. Danny often reminds me that I need to just listen instead of trying to find a solution. Difference between dealing with stress and dealing with anxiety. I guess someone with anxiety doesn't want the solutions to overcome it but just acknowledge it is there and something they are coexisting with because the reality is it doesn't go away by finding a logical solution like stress would go away.
Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have realized it is hard for everyone for different reasons. I have an amazing friend whose kids deal with difficult internal garbage due to neglect and adoption. It effects all of her kids. She is pretty much an incredible mom with these super powers and I know heavenly father gave her these kids who need her and her talents and all her strengths. I have another friend who has some of the easiest kids that exist but she deals with anxiety. I watch as parenting for her is a daily struggle to just function or get out of the house. From both of their examples I have realized we are all just trying to make it and we can't judge each other's journeys. I am certain we were blessed with kids that are perfect for our family.
Sometimes I wish for the calm, peaceful kids but those are not the kids that belong in my family. They would probably be tramautized...LOL! Deep down I know our kids were meant for my perfectly imperfect home. Hanna is such a testament to that. I knew without a doubt there was another child that needed to come to our home and she miraculously came. I often think why it was so important for her to come here but I know it was. A feeling that I can't explain but probably the strongest feeling I have ever had.
Sometimes I wish for the calm, peaceful kids but those are not the kids that belong in my family. They would probably be tramautized...LOL! Deep down I know our kids were meant for my perfectly imperfect home. Hanna is such a testament to that. I knew without a doubt there was another child that needed to come to our home and she miraculously came. I often think why it was so important for her to come here but I know it was. A feeling that I can't explain but probably the strongest feeling I have ever had.
This past year has been a major growth year for me in understanding anxiety. I was talking to a friend who deals with daily anxiety. For the first time in their marriage her spouse has dealt with anxiety and it was interesting to hear how that has drawn them closer and closer the Savior. I have reflected a lot on that conversation this week and reflect how I am to a spouse and kid who deals with anxiety.
In many ways I am unemotional and worry that makes me heartless or unempathetic.
Danny has dealt with anxiety pretty much his whole life. His entire family deals with it. Anxiety isn't something I think I was ever aware of growing up. I was a perfectionist as a kid and that came with stress, sometimes extreme stress but it was different than anxiety. In some ways I strive off stress. It makes me accomplish more, run faster, work harder. Years ago when our tenants flooded our condo in Walnut Creek I had anxiety.... Real, debilitating anxiety that didn't go away for 3 months. It was paralyzing. It affected my daily mental health and ability to function. It was a horrible feeling. I am grateful I don't deal with it on a daily basis like so many people I know but also extremely grateful that those 3 months taught me about anxiety. For me, I describe stress in my life as a great motivator to get things done where anxiety is more of a negative or debilitating effect to perform my best. That isn't a clinical explanation but just how I have characterized the two in my life and my family's life.
In many ways I am unemotional and worry that makes me heartless or unempathetic.
Danny has dealt with anxiety pretty much his whole life. His entire family deals with it. Anxiety isn't something I think I was ever aware of growing up. I was a perfectionist as a kid and that came with stress, sometimes extreme stress but it was different than anxiety. In some ways I strive off stress. It makes me accomplish more, run faster, work harder. Years ago when our tenants flooded our condo in Walnut Creek I had anxiety.... Real, debilitating anxiety that didn't go away for 3 months. It was paralyzing. It affected my daily mental health and ability to function. It was a horrible feeling. I am grateful I don't deal with it on a daily basis like so many people I know but also extremely grateful that those 3 months taught me about anxiety. For me, I describe stress in my life as a great motivator to get things done where anxiety is more of a negative or debilitating effect to perform my best. That isn't a clinical explanation but just how I have characterized the two in my life and my family's life.
As I recognize the differences of the two I know it will help me be a better spouse and parent. Danny often reminds me that I need to just listen instead of trying to find a solution. Difference between dealing with stress and dealing with anxiety. I guess someone with anxiety doesn't want the solutions to overcome it but just acknowledge it is there and something they are coexisting with because the reality is it doesn't go away by finding a logical solution like stress would go away.
Scott claims to deal with anxiety. Some of it I think is a kid who has a lot of talents and is really good at everything he does. The lack of opportunity to learn grit or failure. Some of it is being a first child and having an overbearing mom. Asking why he got 90% on a test or if he has all why he left his homework for the last minute when he knows better. Tyler doesn't have a care in the world and some of that is because I am proud of him for just being alive. I don't expect him to get 90% or A's like Scott. How unfair is that? I have recognized how I treat them differently and have made some major changes the past couple years. I realize I would rather Scott be a happy care free kid then feel upset if he got 90%. They both get great grades. Tyler just got their on his timeline instead of his moms. He has an inner confidence and pretty stress free perspective on life. Kira is pretty much me. She relates hard work to accomplishing her goals. And Blake deals with anxiety....real, crippling anxiety! It is horrible. Parker is happy but loud and soo active. It is exhausting. Hanna is carefree at least for now.
I have a lot more patience with Blake than Danny because he is a kid but in reality I should treat their anxiety similar. Blake's is more severe than Danny. He is so much better than where he was a year ago. I sometimes question if it is because I removed so many of the triggers and am just avoiding things that would trigger him. At first I worried that homeschooling was just avoiding the situation of being at school to help him being happier or taking him out of so many activities he was in. With prayer and talking to lots of people I realized his world needed to become smaller. He needed a year just to work on him being happy. He needed to get out of the crisis state and then we could reintroduce life. If that meant avoiding some things that caused him an overload of stress that was ok.
Homeschool was a gift for us this year. It is hard not to have much time for me. Danny probably deals with that stress the most because when I expect him to come to my rescue when I need a break and that is just not possible a lot of the time when the kids want me. Blake and I got a lot of quality time together this year which wouldn't have been possible with regular school. He got those preschool years back when I was so busy taking care of my mom and dad.
I went to the Saturday session of stake conference last week with Danny and it was all about come follow me. Neither of us really wanted to go because I was up all night with Kira's party and Danny was gone on a snow campout with the boys. We were both tired but knew we should go so we did. I was so grateful I went. It never ceases to amaze me that when the Lord knows there is something we need or some spiritual gift awaiting their is opposition to get there. It is always so spiritual for me because I can actually listen without all my kids. A good friend talked about Come Follow Me and incorporating it into her busy schedule with work, homeschool, and life. She talked about starting each day with a prayer, pledge of allegiance, song and come follow me and I realized I could adapt so much of what I am doing to be more gospel centered. That is one of the great blessings of home school.
This week, we started each day with more gospel centered patterns and it was great. We also incorporated a lot of CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, activities into the day and they have been great. We made a donkey and played pin the tail on the donkey with questions to think about stressors or victories in life. Blake doesn't realize that verbalizing or thinking about the questions helps his little brain realize what helps or what is stressing him out. It is good to hear what his thoughts are to be able to help him as his parent.
He has his moments. He might always have them and on some days I feel like we are in the same spot we were in a year ago but then I think about a year ago and remember how far we have come. He wasn't functioning a year ago. I was scared to even leave the house with him not sure if he would have a meltdown, if he would damage something and how I would get all my kids back home. That isn't even a thought anymore.
Well, last week he got a cut at karate and needed to sit down for them to put a band aid on and he lost it as soon as I got there. He hasn't had a fit like that in a long time. When his brain is on overload, it reverts to anger. He wouldn't let them put a band aid on and when I got there he lost it. He hasn't had a fit like that in a long time and of course I was so sad for him because Karate has been such a positive thing for him. He didn't want to go back. He is so remorseful and embarrassed afterward that he feels like he is the worst kid and doesn't ever want to go back. But there is the line of having to face and overcome the fear instead of running away from it.
I went and talked to the owner who is amazing. He is so positive and good with the kids and was able to recognize that Blake wasn't trying to be bad or disrespectful but truly was in an altered state.
The old me would have stressed about making sure he got right back to karate to see that he can do it and he would have sensed my anxiety. The new me told him we were going to go back to karate just to drop off kira and maybe try to go to the second class. When the second class came around and he didn't want to go we sat outside and played some games. I wasn't stressed but I did tell him he should try to just go sit inside with me. We sat inside and a teacher came over and said hello. The last 5 minutes he went to sit with the class when they talk about their monthly topic. A year ago that would have been a failure to me. Something that stressed me to wonder if he would go back. Now it is a success. It is progress. He was able to go back, even if just for 5 minutes with a little nudging but able to do it without an overload of stress.
The next day they had off because of a conference and the next day the kids had a movie date instead to avengers. So that comes to today. Blake was hesitant to go but he and Tyler got on their scooters and went. When I got there, I wasn't sure if he would have actually gone in but he went in and had his half smile/half stress look on his face. I could tell he was trying with all his might to overcome the uneasiness he might be feeling. In time that stress seemed to dissipate and turn into a real smile.
I know Monday is going to be hard again to go but we will work through it. And that is success. So there are some thoughts and my therapy for the day.
I have a lot more patience with Blake than Danny because he is a kid but in reality I should treat their anxiety similar. Blake's is more severe than Danny. He is so much better than where he was a year ago. I sometimes question if it is because I removed so many of the triggers and am just avoiding things that would trigger him. At first I worried that homeschooling was just avoiding the situation of being at school to help him being happier or taking him out of so many activities he was in. With prayer and talking to lots of people I realized his world needed to become smaller. He needed a year just to work on him being happy. He needed to get out of the crisis state and then we could reintroduce life. If that meant avoiding some things that caused him an overload of stress that was ok.
Homeschool was a gift for us this year. It is hard not to have much time for me. Danny probably deals with that stress the most because when I expect him to come to my rescue when I need a break and that is just not possible a lot of the time when the kids want me. Blake and I got a lot of quality time together this year which wouldn't have been possible with regular school. He got those preschool years back when I was so busy taking care of my mom and dad.
I went to the Saturday session of stake conference last week with Danny and it was all about come follow me. Neither of us really wanted to go because I was up all night with Kira's party and Danny was gone on a snow campout with the boys. We were both tired but knew we should go so we did. I was so grateful I went. It never ceases to amaze me that when the Lord knows there is something we need or some spiritual gift awaiting their is opposition to get there. It is always so spiritual for me because I can actually listen without all my kids. A good friend talked about Come Follow Me and incorporating it into her busy schedule with work, homeschool, and life. She talked about starting each day with a prayer, pledge of allegiance, song and come follow me and I realized I could adapt so much of what I am doing to be more gospel centered. That is one of the great blessings of home school.
This week, we started each day with more gospel centered patterns and it was great. We also incorporated a lot of CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, activities into the day and they have been great. We made a donkey and played pin the tail on the donkey with questions to think about stressors or victories in life. Blake doesn't realize that verbalizing or thinking about the questions helps his little brain realize what helps or what is stressing him out. It is good to hear what his thoughts are to be able to help him as his parent.
He has his moments. He might always have them and on some days I feel like we are in the same spot we were in a year ago but then I think about a year ago and remember how far we have come. He wasn't functioning a year ago. I was scared to even leave the house with him not sure if he would have a meltdown, if he would damage something and how I would get all my kids back home. That isn't even a thought anymore.
Well, last week he got a cut at karate and needed to sit down for them to put a band aid on and he lost it as soon as I got there. He hasn't had a fit like that in a long time. When his brain is on overload, it reverts to anger. He wouldn't let them put a band aid on and when I got there he lost it. He hasn't had a fit like that in a long time and of course I was so sad for him because Karate has been such a positive thing for him. He didn't want to go back. He is so remorseful and embarrassed afterward that he feels like he is the worst kid and doesn't ever want to go back. But there is the line of having to face and overcome the fear instead of running away from it.
I went and talked to the owner who is amazing. He is so positive and good with the kids and was able to recognize that Blake wasn't trying to be bad or disrespectful but truly was in an altered state.
The old me would have stressed about making sure he got right back to karate to see that he can do it and he would have sensed my anxiety. The new me told him we were going to go back to karate just to drop off kira and maybe try to go to the second class. When the second class came around and he didn't want to go we sat outside and played some games. I wasn't stressed but I did tell him he should try to just go sit inside with me. We sat inside and a teacher came over and said hello. The last 5 minutes he went to sit with the class when they talk about their monthly topic. A year ago that would have been a failure to me. Something that stressed me to wonder if he would go back. Now it is a success. It is progress. He was able to go back, even if just for 5 minutes with a little nudging but able to do it without an overload of stress.
The next day they had off because of a conference and the next day the kids had a movie date instead to avengers. So that comes to today. Blake was hesitant to go but he and Tyler got on their scooters and went. When I got there, I wasn't sure if he would have actually gone in but he went in and had his half smile/half stress look on his face. I could tell he was trying with all his might to overcome the uneasiness he might be feeling. In time that stress seemed to dissipate and turn into a real smile.
I know Monday is going to be hard again to go but we will work through it. And that is success. So there are some thoughts and my therapy for the day.
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