California McMillans

December 12 th - Ultrasound Danny and I had a level 1, 20 week, ultrasound. The ultrasound that with Scott and Tyler we looked forward with anticipation to see if it was a boy or girl. Our feelings going into the ultrasound were a little different because of Tyler. I think when you have past experiences with a problem detected in a prenatal ultrasounds or even a child with a defect it changes your feelings towards ultrasounds forever. You realize that the real reason for this test is to determine if there are problems. Prior to the test we talked about our feelings. Danny was nervous that there would be another heart defect. He was prepared for something, probably not as severe as HLHS . I had hope that the baby was going to be fine, but I still had a lot of anxiety and worry. Those are feelings that I will probably always have because of Tyler. We were not expecting something as severe brain malformation. We left, I cried, we awaited for the phone call. The call came, it

We await the autopsy results. Obviously, we assume that the cause of death was related to the malformation or absence of the brain. Who knows if they will come up with a certain syndrome or diagnosis. Chromosome tests have the chance of growing or not growing. Conclusions should be made within the next 1-2 weeks. At that point we will sit down with our genetic counsilor and possible genetist and go over the implications of Tyler with HLHS and this child with a neurological disorder. The possibility of them being linked or it just being one of those crazy flukes in life of having two children with unrelated and very severe diseases. My gut feeling is that they won't be able to link these two things together, even though I could be very wrong. Maybe that is just my hope. The thing about medicine is that you just never know. Answers are hard to find. Research continues to search for cause and probability. But with all said and done a God is over all, has a plan and perhaps w

. I LOVE HAVING A 2 YEAR OLD!!! . The unexpected things that they SAY and DO can fill your heart and soul with unexplained JOY , LOVE and LAUGHTER . We went to the cemetery and mortuary today and of course Scott wanted to know why. We briefly had the great opportunity to explain that the baby in mommy's tummy is now with Jesus. When I came home I was working on a scrapbook for Baby Roman and Scott and I had this precious conversation, . "Scott, who is this for?" "Baby Roman." "Where is Baby Roman?" "In Heather's tummy." Where's mommy's baby?" "He is with Jesus."

Our third son, Carl Lavar , blessed our family on Christmas morning.  A fetal echocardiogram on December 23rd showed no heartbeat, I was induced at 11AM on the 24 th and he was born stillborn at 1:15AM on December 25 th .  We couldn't think of a better birthday for him to share than that of our Savior.  It will forever be a day of hope and celebration for our family.  We know that through our Savior we will someday be reunited with and have the opportunity to raise our son.  We are comforted that he didn't need to suffer in this life and that through Christ his imperfect body will someday be complete and whole.  It was a very spiritual and peaceful experience for us.  We are humbled and grateful that we were chosen to be his parents and were able to help provide him with a body to complete his mortal mission.  We felt the presence of Carl's spirit during his birth and were blessed with words of comfort that we will forever cherish.  

caboose Neither of the kids wanted his picture taken with Santa The whistle was "TOO LOUD!" Scott and I went with Erik and Charlie to the Polar Express steam train in old Sacramento.  It was a one hour ride dedicated to the Pixar production with Tom Hanks, so all the kids were in pajamas and there was "hot, hot, hot, hot chocolate" singing and a visit with Santa Claus.  It was a lot of fun and I was impressed at how effortlessly the steam locomotive pulled us.

Four Years ago we started our journey here, in the Bountiful Temple, to be married for time and all eternity. We didn't know what life would have to offer, the blessings and sacrifice of the journey or the joy of parenthood. We went into marriage with what we thought it would be like, but I think that both of us would agree, it has been a journey filled with more growth, love, blessings and reliance on the Lord than we could have ever imagined. It truly has been a wonderful beginning! I feel blessed to be married to such a marvelous husband. I can't describe what a good man he is to me. My love for Danny has grown and has lifted me to become a better person. He has helped me find joy in all of life experiences, both easy and hard, that only he, as my husband and the father of my children, can truly understand. I love you Danny and look forward to another great year with you!! Bountiful Utah Temple - December 18, 2004 I love this picture!! It just shows the happiness th

We went for further imaging of the baby which resulted in different observations. Originally, we were told that baby would not survive because of absence or minimal brain development. Upon further scanning, we were told that the vacancy of tissue was result of a very large arachnoid cyst in the posterior fossa , outside of the brain, that has pushed everything else forward. Although not certain, it appears major parts of the brain are present. Arachnoid cysts have been compatible with life, but the implications of a cyst of this magnitude are unknown. These cysts are not uncommon and often not detected until symptoms occur. Arachnoid cysts are sometimes associated with seizures, migranes , balance issues, etc with people living fairly normal and uninterrupted lives. The problem and question at hand is the size of this cyst, a possible hematoma , and if all aspects of the brain have in actuality formed. Dandy Walker Syndrome and other rare disorders have not been ruled out. Having re

The boys have become so close in the past month or so which is so great and fun to see as a mother. For a long time Scott did his thing and Tyler did his. Now Scott wants to get into Tylers crib whenever he wakes up. Hopefully he doesn't smoosh him one of these days. I love the looks on Tylers face in this. He loves his brother. Tyler loves trains and cars. His favorite thing is to push his cars around the house making engine sounds. Do you think someone loves his brother and daddy? Tyler truly loves his dad. He wants everything to do with him and appears to be more attached to him than me lately, which is actually fun to see. Who wouldn't love Danny as a daddy? Tyler loves to eat everything with a spoon. This is such a magical age, full of love, happiness and exploration. It is so fun The joys of boys!

First and foremost Danny and I are so appreciative for our great family and friends who have emailed, called and showed in numerous ways that they care. There are so many people who have no support system during hard times and we feel so blessed to have more people thinking about us and willing to help than one could ever dream of. So thank you so much!! Friday and Saturday were pretty hard for the entire family. I felt like I was unable to function in many ways while I was just trying to stay afloat myself. Scott knew something was going on and of course agitated by it. While these feelings are inevitable, it helped me realize I have so much to be thankful for and two boys and an amazing husband who I am blessed to enjoy each day and who need me. So many would do anything for children and a great husband and the countless blessings and wonderful life we have. This has made me realize the many things I do have. We tried to relax and occupy ourselves but it is impossible at times to not

My blog with Tyler was pretty candid. I tried to share most of my emotions and thoughts, and for that, I am grateful to have a journal. While we don't have hard feelings, this is to record what would be helpful to us, granted, every story is different. We had our ultrasound on Friday and knew that something wasn't right. The tech kept leaving to talk with the radiologist, citing it on our "history." Danny asked very poignant questions, such as, "I don't see the brain. Can you show me the brain? Is the spine closed?" The tech skirted each question. Danny then asked, "Did you see anything abnormal that you need to talk to the radiologist about?" The tech responded, "there are some things that concern me but I can't tell you." This was difficult. We told her we would like a phone call, the anticipation was horrible for us and she promised that the radiologist would call with more information. We explained again that we had played the

Well, some of you know that I am pregnant.  Most don't since we were awaiting further testing due to Tylers condition.  I had a 20 week ultrasound yesterday which showed that the baby's brain tissue is severly underdeveloped.  If this child makes it to term, he will be unable to function on his own and die shortly thereafter.  While we are devastated and hurting, we are grateful at this time for our faith and a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for this child and our family.  We know that the child will come to this earth to gain a body before returning to his Heavenly Father.  We also know that we will someday be reunited and have the opportunity to raise this child as our own. There are a lot of questions that still need to be answered.  We will keep you updated once we find out more about what is going on.  Please keep our family in your prayers.  

Since Heidi was working all day in Pacifica, the boys and I went to do boy things. We took a few laps around Tilden Park on the miniature steam train. Scott was much more into this since he's familiar with Thomas the Train's comings and goings.

We decided very last minute to drive to Utah for Thanksgiving to surprise the McMillans. We left on Wednesday after Danny's last patient and made pretty good timing. Tyler couldn't come due to high altitude which was sad. Hopefully he will be able to come with us after his Fontan. Vacations just aren't the same without the entire fam. The Riv made it to Utah and back. What a feat. Danny did most of the driving on the way since it was raining, dark and I hadn't finessed my Riviera driving skills. I am proud to annouce I did much better on the way home and even drove through the Sierras. Scott liked to play in the boat. He pretended to drive and call all boats on the speaker. I am sure that one of our first big purchases after a house will be a boat. Me and my cute hubby. Scott loved Gato. We sadly have no pictures of the McMillan family feast. All of Danny's paternal aunts and uncles get together with their family for a huge feast. It was a lot of fun. I especiall

Tis the season of Thanksgiving!! I am at a point in my life that I feel extrememly blessed. More so than I have ever felt or experienced. I don't think it has as much to do with our circumstances, what we have or don't have, but has to do with perspective. Somehow through life experiences, both easy and hard, my perspective has changed, my sense of self worth increased and eyes have been open to what truly brings happiness and thanksgiving. This is a gift greater than all. It is a gift that ensures happiness in whatever season or experience we are going through. Danny would always laugh at me when I would express how life will somehow be easier or better when he graduates, we have stable jobs, the kids make it through a hard stage, etc, etc. I admired that Danny always found enjoyment in the present. He reminded me that life will not be any easier or better just different when these things come to pass. It is so true. I think the Lord has ensured I learn this lesson, for when I

Happy Belated Birthday Danny!! Just a few reasons why I love you.... For giving me another wonderful son. For being a man full of faith and being able to bless your children. For filling our lives with music. For including the kids in all that you do. For going on daddy and son campouts. For giving me needed breaks. For trying new things. For being a kid at heart. For teaching your boys the essentials of life. For being such a great role-model to your boys. For teaching Scott everything about cars, trains and automobiles. For laughing, having fun, not taking life to serious and being willing to have dance contests For being a great teacher and loving your job. For taking risks. For loving me. For actually being able to sing. For doing an amazing job balancing your family, work and church callings. You have always placed us first which I love about you!! For being so cute. For showing affection For being creative and always finding a solution. For taking amazing pictures. For