GRIEF

Grief is such an interesting emotion.  I am not the most outwardly emotional person, but have come to know grief intimately in the past couple of years.  It affects everyone do differently, at different times and in different strengths!

I remember when my Grandma died, my mom was overcome with grief, sadness and depression.  She did fine for a couple of months and then her loss hit her like a ton of bricks.  She couldn't function, was in extensive therapy and trying to mend her broken heart.  It was real, debilitating, horrible to see.  Nobody could take it away.  It was a process she needed to work through.

When she was ill she was so sad to leave behind everyone understandably so.  She got the most joy and love from being with people and it just broke her heart knowing that she had to leave us.   That was so painful to watch.  So painful at holidays to experience the joy, but also the extreme sadness that his would be the last birthday party of a grandchild, last thanksgiving or christmas celebration.  Especially because those events brought her so much joy, so much happiness.  I remember leaving, holding it together and then just sitting in my car crying for how sad I was for her, for us, for the grandkids.

My dad's illness was so different.  So much quicker, which is what he wanted.  He didn't want to be sick.  He didn't want to have to be cared for.  He was logical and so much at peace with the life he lived.  He didn't want to have emotional conversations.  It was too hard.  The one thing that brought him peace was knowing that everything was in order.  What a blessing that he was so organized so that he could be at peace.

There was really only one day that I saw him upset and that was hard for me but taught me a lesson that will stay with me for the rest of my life.   I came to realize that the greatest gift we can give to our loved ones is what they want.  It might not be what we want, need or even what we think they need, but it is a time to be selfless and fill them with what they want.  For my mom, it was spending time with her, just sitting by her side, for my dad it was reviewing paperwork and taking care of business items.  So different, yet equally deserving of what they needed and how they dealt with grief and illness.

Loosing my parents is surreal in so many ways.  I look at pictures from a couple of years ago of how healthy they were, how youthful they were and just can't believe what cancer can do.   I am so sad for my grandkids.  I am sad that the two greatest supporters in my life, two people who believed in me 100% aren't here.  I got so sick last week and I really missed my parents.  I missed my mom just calling to check up on me and my dad bringing me whatever I needed.  I missed that they would drop everything to come and be with my kids.  I am beyond BLESSED with amazing friends who bring in meals and watch my kids, but sometimes I just want that to be my parents.

Death doesn't make me super sad.  I have extreme peace knowing that they are in a better place, they can watch down on us and are a great strength from the other side.  I feel like that has been a gift from God.  It does however, make me feel so sad at the grandkids activities.  Things that they would be at.  It makes me sad that Parker will not remember my parents.  It makes me sad when the kids bring up things like going to Marine World or Chuck-e-cheese with my parents.

I was a combination in many ways of my mom and dad.  I had the energy of my mom, love being on the go and doing too many activities.  I miss that she understood that.  That she was there at all the activities cheering, helping, and loving our little family.  I miss that my dad understood me.   I am not the most emotional person and either is he, but he didn't take that away from me.  He never thought I needed to be more emotional or someone who I wasn't.  I was fine just being me.  What a great lesson and attribute I want to pass onto my kids.  They are all so unique.  Some have similar attributes to me, Danny and are just so unique in many ways.  I want them to know that they are perfect just the way they are. My dad never tried to change me.  I am grateful for that.  He understood that I liked being independent.  My dad had total confidence in me and Danny before he died.  That was such a gift to us.  He was so proud of Danny's business and how well he was doing.  He was so proud of the mom I was and confident that we were going to be just fine.  When I am not sure if I can do it on somedays, I remember that 100% confidence he instilled in me and believed in me.  He was so proud of each of the kids and how well they were doing in school and how much they loved school.  I will forever cherish those conversations and reassurance that he gave me to before he passed away.  What a gift to have those months, weeks, conversations and time.

I go through a period that I don't feel like doing much.  I don't really want to be around a ton of people, socialize, do sports with kids.  That is unlike me.  I feel like I am just coming out of that.  I signed up Scott for running this week, signed up kira for gymnastics, blake and tyler for baseball in the spring.  It was so fun going to the park with the kids while Scott was running.  I feel like I am starting to want to do things again.  That is a great thing!

One of the hardest things in the journey of loss and grief is that when you are taking time to sort through emotions, depression, grief, some of which you aren't even aware of and how they are affecting you, everyone else in your family unit still needs you.  Your kids need you and your spouse needs you and at the moment sometimes you need you and that is all that you can do.  I am grateful that Danny is being patient with that.  Wanting to write again is therapy to help me process.  I have't wanted to write in a long time so I am grateful that I wanted to write to start processing my feelings and emotions.  Time to start giving more to them!

I am excited for the new year.  We have so much to be thankful for this upcoming year.  My kids are all doing great in school and love their friends and teachers.  What a blessing!!  Danny loves his job for the most part and is doing so well.  I love our home and neighborhood.  A lot of good things to come next year and I am certain my parents will be close by!