Anxiety

Have you ever had anxiety? Full blown anxiety--the type that you are worried over things that is simply irrational to worry about. Or maybe rational, but way out of hand.  Logically they will all work out, there are solutions, they aren't that big of a deal to spend your day worrying, but you just can't stop your body's emotions and you aren't functioning like a normal human being because of it.  You are emotionally and physically affected.  It is the craziest thing.  I am usually a pretty happy, optimistic, life will be alright kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I have worries and bad moments but they are usually not that big of a deal.  Well, I was not my normal self  these past two to three weeks.  They were HORRIBLE.  I had anxiety.

Have you watched the Bachelor?  Due to totally different reasons I became one of those girls.  Not the nice, drama- free ones I like.  I was the couldn't stop crying over nothing, one of the crazy ones.  A sad, sad sight.  

I was tired and couldn't focus on anything but my worries.  I wanted to avoid everything, sleep and yet I had to take care of children.  I would periodically say to myself, "Am I going to make it though," and respond, "yes, I will."

I recognize it was a blessing that I don't usually feel this way.  I gained some major empathy for others who deal with anxiety and depression.  In my opinion emotional illness is far worse than physical.  And I know my two to three week experience and probably level of anxiety was nothing and short lived compared to many.  

My mom has had ups and downs with the emotions of cancer and chemo which is totally understandable.  I was having a hard time relating.  I would tell her to just try to be happy, the chemo seems to be working, make the most of the day, etc etc.  It wasn't working.  I am obviously no therapist.  So you guessed it, I prayed that I would know how to help her and WHAM!  I experienced a taste of what it is like to not just wake up and be happy and or be optimistic in the moments you are not happy.

Emotionally my mom is doing much better.  Somethings, especially things as big as dealing with a super rare cancer that nobody really knows how to treat, going through surgery and chemo warrants some anxiety....it warrants a lot of anxiety, right?  Luckily, time, starting treatment and some good results have helped and she is doing so much better.  Such an example of how you can be positive amidst hard times.  Someone who reminds me what life is really all about.

So, here is the thing you can laugh about that makes no rational sense.  I could understand being worried about Tyler's upcoming surgery, Danny's chronic pain from surgery, the unborn babe being healthy, the pain my kidneys have been causing me lately.  But no, I was worried about expenses.  Now a therapist could very well say that was the manifestation of my anxiety and it was a combination of everything.  Who knows, but all that really seemed to be stressing me was expenses.  

One expense after another consumed me.  Large bills like Danny's surgery, Tyler's hospital stays, Tylers upcoming surgery, Danny being out of work, condo flooding, an accident, baby delivery expenses.  Dropping a brand new bottle of lasix that broke was a big stress, instead of a darn it moment.  Almost too much for me to handle.  Or Scott's bike being run over by probably some kids playing a trick.  It seemed like one thing after another and I just couldn't deal with it.  

Amidst it all, I rationally knew we could deal with it and that it could be far worse.  Danny has a job.  That is a HUGE Blessing.  Danny said about the condo, "It's just money.  No one has died as a result of this problem, we haven't done anything illegal or made any moral compromises."  Looking back, I almost feel bad writing this because I recognize there are so many that would trade their financial hardships for ours in a minute.  Rationally, I realized that instead of being upset and frustrated and worried about these things, I should instead realize that we are so very blessed. 


But it wasn't that simple.  My head was telling me one thing and my emotions were doing another.  That is the strange thing about anxiety.  It is almost as if it takes over. 


The Lord placed people in my path to remind me of my many blessings.  A friend reminded me that they are living week to week with the goal to afford to send her kids to EFY.  Another whose husband is leaving her after they had their fourth girl.  Another who is loosing their home.  Another who lost everything financially due to an accident.  Another who lost everything due to a mistake at work.  There are countless people that I think of that would do anything for a job, let alone a job that they love like Danny.  That would do anything to be home with their kids.  That would do anything to know where their next meal is coming from or how they are going to get the money to pay for something.  And yet I am worried about unexpected expenses that we can afford. 


The largest worry was our condo flood.  We were getting thousands of dollars of estimates from the two units below us that seemed unreal for an overflowing toilet that was resolved in about an hour.   Estimates including doing 24 hour STAT water testing costing $1000, not to mention other similar costs-- Who does that?  Maybe people whose insurance will cover it. Things that I feel would have been dealt with way differently since it was the homeowners expense.  I didn't have control over decisions being made or what was being done and I felt helpless.  On top of that, a second flood happened as a result of either the plumber or restoration company changing the positioning of a vent.  So we got a call the next day stating there was another flood.  Of course, nobody has yet to own up to it and I wasn't there supervising, and I told the person who authorized it that I was not comfortable with that.  He said he will "deal with it," but he didn't deal with it.  I received no help.  I was told to contact them.  They were not supervised by him even though he said he would be over it.  


I knew it was irrational, but I just couldn't stop worrying about it.

So I got up, unable to sleep after only a couple of hours of sleep and read an ensign article.  It reminded us that we are commanded to be grateful, that our Heavenly Father wants us to be grateful. It had you list the following things you are grateful for which are below. It was so helpful.  


It reminded me that one of the greatest therapies for me is writing.  That is why I have this blog.  If I was a private person it would be a journal.  I don't think anyone reads these posts, but there is something about writing and putting it out to the world to see that helps me.    


And I started realizing I needed to get back to the book that I am in the very slow process of writing.  It is always in the back of my thoughts, a nudge that it is something I need to do, probably more for me than anyone else.  My dad started a cancer related bible study and I recognized the need for aids to help people trying to walk with Christ through their own illness or the illness of another.  How processing ideas and thoughts on paper can help.  


So I started to do that.  It felt so good.  Words just come.  


I placed my worries into the Lords hands.  I recognized He could deal with it so much better than me.  He could make things right.  When I did that, little by little, things started falling into place.  Resolutions occured.  I knew that He was over all.


But perhaps the best part of all is that I got my sanity back.  My anxiety disappeared that was a miracle in itself and I learned a couple of life lessons along the way.


Danny told me at some point that you just need to collect all the facts and than deal with the situation instead of trying to deal with half the facts or a couple pieces of the puzzle.  I became better at that.  I became better at just picking up the phone and trying to collect the facts instead of avoiding things.  


I learned that there are people that are willing to help. To remain calm and happy.  Nobody wants nor deserves to deal with a frustrated person.  They are much more willing to help someone who is Christlike.  I called several people for advice and know that they were answers to prayers.  

And one afternoon, my anxiety went away.  So farewell anxiety.  While I want to thank you for the life lessons I have learned along the way, please don't come back.  I thank you for helping me understand you a little bit more.  Thank you for helping me recognize my many blessings.  Thank you for helping me recognize that worrying really does no good. Thank you for allowing me to see how the Lord is really over all and can deal with our dilemas much better than we can.

Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.

1.    I am grateful I am alive.  Carl and Tyler are constant reminders to me that my body was made whole.  I have a whole brain to function.  I have a whole heart to oxygenate my body.  I know all too well what a blessing it is to have functioning organs.

2.    I am grateful that I can breathe.  Tyler has a really hard time breathing.  His heart makes him feel sick and exhausted.  He tries to keep up with his brother and friends and simply can’t.  He teaches me to be grateful.  My grandma dies of emphysemia and knew all too well how the simple act of taking a breathe sometimes doesn’t give you the oxygen you need. 

3.    I am grateful I can have children.  I know that there are many who yearn and pray for a child. That can’t afford or haven’t been chosen by birthparents yet to have a child.  I have children so easily.  It is something that I recognize is a blessing.

4.    I am grateful that I can walk and exist without chronic pain.  Danny has back pain everyday.  Janelle and Jenny live in arthritis pain everyday.  My body functions without pain.

5.    I am grateful I can see.  Kira just walked over to me with a huge smile on her face and it made me feel so good.  Some never get to experience that.

6.    While it would be nice for peace and quiet at times, I am grateful that I can hear.  I get to hear my husbands and sons piano, I get to hear funny conversations and things they say in the back of the car.  I get to communicate with anyone that I want.  That is something that many don’t have.

7.    I am grateful I can think.  We visited the Alzheimer unit this week.  It realized what a blessing it is to know who I am, remember my relationships, communicate with my family and friends.  Have the abilities to not only take care of myself, but my family as well.

8.    I am grateful I am cancer free.  My mom is currently fighting cancer and Bob is currently cancer free after extensive chemo.  My body isn’t being attacked by this silent disease.  So many are not that fortunate.

9.    I am grateful for my teeth.  I don’t have teeth without problems, but I have them.  I can chew what I want.  I live without tooth pain.  What a blessing.  What a blessing my husband can fix my teeth.

1    I am grateful I don’t get headaches.  I got migraines in the beginning of my pregnancy and couldn’t function.  Some people get migraines everyday.

1    I am grateful for trials…amidst this trial I know that it is molding me into the individual I need to become.  At times I think life would be so much easier if we didn’t go through this or that but at the end of trial, realize the growth that occurred and blessings that followed.  I wouldn’t reach my Heavenly Father or be with my family without these hard times.  They help me recognize the good times.  They help humble me.  Rely on the Lord.  They help me treat others with more compassion and empathy.

Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.

1.    My wedding ring.  It belongs to my grandma who is one of my heros.  It symbolizes a  wonderful marriage to my best friend that I am eternally grateful for. That is a blessing.  A wedding ring doesn’t symbolize this for all.  For some it is a symbol of pain, others abuse, others heartache, others shame.  Perhaps this is the greatest possession I have.  And it would be the greatest even it was made out of twigs or plastic.

2.    My scriptures.  They bring me peace.  They help me see how I have progressed or need to progress.  They bring back feelings from my conversion and mission.  They help me communicate with God and draw closer to him.

3.    The house we live in.  I love it!  It is in a wonderful community full of kids.  It is the perfect size for our family.  It keeps us warm at night.  It is a place to build memories.

4.    Swagger Wagon.  Love it!  Can truck as many kids around as I need.  It used to be hard for me to help friends when in need because I had no room in my car.  What a blessing to fit everyone I need and for my kids to have time with their friends!  I can visit people easily. 

5.     Bikes and RC cars = quality family time!

6.    Appliances = simpler life.

7.    Mobile Phone from the ice-age.  I can communicate with family and friends with a touch of the button.

8.    Blog Book, Pictures and Journal.  It helps me remember wonderful memories, lessons learned and gain perspective.

9.    Our Christmas tree.  It brings me peace and happiness.  It has a couple of ornaments that were mostly hand-made this year.  It has lights.  Scott chose it and it is beautiful!

1   My bed. It fits all of our kids (I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing yet).  I love everything about it. 

Write 10 living people you are grateful for.

1. Mom and Dad.   They have always lived for their family and taught us the important things in life.  They love being grandparents and have always been the most generous and giving people I know.

2. Glen and Janine.  They raised a wonderful son.  They always focused on the important things in life and are great parents and grandparents.

3.  Scott.  He is such a good boy….just wants to be good.  He takes care of his sister, has compassion for his brother and is such a great friend.  He often comes home telling me how he helped a friend.

4.  Tyler.  He is full of spunk and life.  Unlike his brother, obedient, isn’t his middle name yet but that is ok.  He talks to Kira in the sweetest little voice.  Anyone who meets him just loves him.  We love him for the life lessons he teaches us and mission he so patiently and valiantly fights with his heart.

5. Carl.  My Christmas angel.  I feel him close by.  Some of the moments I have with him are the most sacred, faith building times that I cherish and hold close to my heart.  I am so grateful to have a child, who I envision as a young adult in the next life ministering to people here on earth and in the spirit world.    I love him and look forward to meeting this angel that was too perfect to dwell on earth.  What a humbling blessing to be chosen as his mom.  How I want to do everything I can to oneday return and be with him.

6. Kira.  Our little girl.  She is such a girl loving and nurturing her dolls and brothers.  She has a smile that melts my heart.  She has a special place in her dads heart.  She brings sweetness and beauty into our lives.  She is so independent and such a good little girl. 

7. Baby McMillan.  So blessed to be adding another bundle of joy into our lives in March.  I can’t wait to hold the heaven sent child that the Lord has entrusted me and Danny to care for, love and teach (which I sometimes feel so inadequate of).

8. My Sister Heather.  I have been blessed with one sibling and she is perhaps the nicest, kindest, most patient, loving person that I know.  She is the peacemaker.  She is such a good mom.  She is such a great friend.  I have been given the best.

9. My friends.  At times Danny and I go through a lot and I have never once felt I was going through it without hundreds of people by my side both near and far.  Friends that call to see how we are doing, friends that drop off meals when someone is in the hospital, friends that take my kids so I can have a needed break, friends who would help at any request just because they care.  I have been so blessed!

10. Of Course Danny.  I can’t imagine going through this life without Danny by my side.  He makes the ups the best and the downs manageable.  He is the best for me.  I love him.

4.    Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.

1   My Savior.  I love Him. 


     Carl.  I placed him under living as well not realizing this section…but I am leaving it that way.  While Carl is deceased, he is so close in spirit.  Loosing a child makes the veil thin.  Something that is hard to describe.  I have gotten to know him in a spiritual sense.  I have felt him close by, in times of need as the angel he is.  What a gift!   

3.    My grandma.  She lived with us growing up and was like a second mom.  She always was my biggest supporter either at the pool or whatever I was doing (either a good idea or bad) she never gave up.  She taught me resilient.  She found peace and happiness and fulfillment although she didn’t always have it easy. I love her and know she is watching down on us.

4.    Granny and Ga.  I loved visiting them in Malibu and when they came to visit.  They were such examples of love, patience and living the American dream.  There family meant everything to them.

5.    All of the angels that have touched my life.  Kennedy, Quincy, Grace, Hope and so many more…..These little kids fought various childhood diseases with patience while teaching the rest of us what life is really about.  I am grateful for them and look forward to one day saying thank you.

6.    My ancestors.  I love doing family history work.  I should do more.  It is a way to connect with your past and those that sacrificed and gave so much for me.  I am who I am today because of them.

7.    The founding fathers.  What a wonderful country we live in. 

• Joseph Smith..he restored that gospel that brings me so much peace.

Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.

Danny has the day off for New Years which is rare .  Tyler is setting up his car ramps.  Scott loves riding his bike.  Building forts.  Danny’s subwoofer project is going well.  Driving in our van.  Wally’s Rentals saving us tons of money.  Wearing t-shirts in January.  Our cozy home.  My new comforter, sunglasses and trash can…they make me happy.  I am happy.  I feel grateful.  I feel blessed.  It really is a good day!

           Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.

Our home.  My homes growing up which is a home of love.  Espana where I learned so much.  BYU  which is filled with great memories.  Krey Elementary where Scott loves school.  The temple.  My parents home is filled with great childhood memories.  Cancun where we honeymooned.  Disneyland where I have great memories with my kids.  Northgate High School filled with great memories.

Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for. My testimony of the Savior.  Prayer.  Tender Mercies.  The Holy Ghost.  The scriptures.  Temple Covenants.  The atonement.  Eternal Families.  Trials.  A Ward Family.  Relief Society.  Family History Work.  


So this helped.  The past couple of weeks have been a great wrestle.  Lots of prayers, lots of pleading, lots of reading.  lots of recognizing how much my faith means to me and can carry me through.