Attachment Podcast

This morning, I got up to run.  I am trying to run 3 miles a day this week.  While I run I listen to a conference talk and podcast.  I think it fills some of my conversational needs as an extrovert.  Someone to listen to....LOL!

The conference talk was about the positives and negatives of social media.  Something that is becoming an increasing problem in our society and in my familys life.  It is amazing how we can sit on electronics and get nothing done.  Yesterday, we did no electronics, which is a rule for Sunday and our day was filled with great things.  Instead of being on electronics, my kids were out making up games and jumping on the trampoline.  During shelter in place we haven't allowed any electronics until 4:30 but I even think that is too early in the day.  I think I want to change it to 6ish.  After dinner and after getting all our stuff done.  The kids are of course hesitant, but I know we will have better days. We'll see if I change it.  I don't think there is anything wrong with unwinding or having some electronics but there are so many better things to do. There are so many amazing hikes in San Francisco area that usually take a long to get to but now with shelter in place there is no traffic and they don't take long to get it.  I want to start exploring more.  If we use our time more wisely, we will have more time to do uplifting things.

The podcast was exactly what I needed to hear.  I prayed before that I would listen to something that I needed.  It was interesting because I had tried to listen to a couple of things but it wouldn't connect and then I connected to one.  I really feel like it was an answer to that prayer.  It was on 5 keys of a relationship and exactly what I needed to hear and helped me so much with understanding Tyler and Danny.

Tyler really struggles with attachment and the more I have thought about that, the more I realize so much of it has to do with childhood detachment.  She emphasized the need to attach from day 1.  Something Tyler didn't have the opportunity to do.  He was rarely held.  He was hooked up to machines for a month.  When we took him him, he was so sick.  He has undetected gallstones and cried for the first 9 months of his life.  When you are in chronic pain, you can't attach, even when you are being held.  You are being held, but it is all consumed by pain and crying.  Tyler has the hardest time showing positive attachment behavior.  He does things that result in detachment behavior from me, Danny and his siblings.  Whenever, I pray about how to help him, it is an overwhelming feeling of love him.  Increase love.

 She said something that gave so much hope.  When someone has gone through some type of attachment trauma as a child, increasing love and attachment can slowly diminish the effects of the lack thereof as an infant or child.  It was so powerful.  Danny has a lot of childhood attachment trauma as well and it is still so evident in his adult life.  It is amazing how much children absorb.  It makes me want to be a better mom.  Give more love to my kids.  The influence will be with them forever.  Also, realizing there are things that I wish I did better.

The first two topics she discussed were attention and acceptance.  What is attention?  Some think it is just sitting and listening but really is can be so much more.  It is going out of your way to give your 100% attention.  It is me going in the garage to see what he is doing not just waiting for him to show me.  It is me taking part of what he is doing.  It is being involved in his life.  I would love consider myself an overly loving person at all.  I am probably quite the opposite and that is exactly what Danny doesn't need.  He often says I don't listen, don't really care. I have always made fun of him for that and we joke with friends about how much he needs/craves that but the reality is he needs that not because he is being needy but he is trying to heal from what he lacked as a child.  I am sure my kids lack that as well because I am not the most emotionally loving mom so I have an increased desire to give that to my kids.  Whether it be being involved in what they are doing or just finding a little bit of time each day to have quality time with them.

The second point it made was acceptance.  She gave the example of a girl wanting to go to art school.  Her dad had a couple of options.  He didn't want her to get a career in art for various reasons.  He could have decided to not allow it or accept it at all, he could have decided to allow her but not support her, he could have paid for it but made it known he didn't really approve or he could have accepted her for what her talents were and encouraged her to pursue something she had talents and passion for.  Now, obviously, we can't accept everything in everyones life.  If someone makes unhealthy decisions that is one thing, but accepting them for who they are and what their passions are is so powerful.

My sister shared at my dads funeral how her parents encouraged her to go to college and be a broadcaster.  She majored in broadcast journalism, got internships and was so excited for her future.  In reality, she said they might have thought that isn't the best career path or might have some obstacles to overcome but never once mentioned or maybe even thought any of those things.  At least to how they chose to parent and encourage her.  And that is so true.  When I quit swimming in high school, my mom let me quit.  She wanted me to be happy.  When I wanted to change my major from business to psychology, my parents told me to major in classes I was passionate about and it would all work out.  When I went on a mission and decided to switch what I wanted to do, they didn't think anything of it.    They accepted us for who we were.  They wanted us to either have a job or do a sport in high school.  They didn't care what it was, they just wanted us to manage our time well and be busy.  I swam and my sister ended up being an intern for the local radio station.

Danny loves mechanics.  He likes being in the garage and fixing things.  It is an amazing outlet for him.  It reduces his stress and helps him.  It has been a great blessing in his life and for our family.  Growing up, he probably used the garage as an escape and as an outlet but he often felt like there was pressure on him to do other things.

It really helped me know how to be a better mom and how to be a better wife.  Attachment is such a huge thing in Danny and tyler's life.  Something I know I need to go out of my way to increase and heal trauma.  I am grateful that there are so many amazing experts to help teach and guide.  I am also so grateful for the Spirit that really impacts me on what I need to hear and how I should bring that into my home.